Project share Day 5: my “point of view”
A few weekends ago, I participated in the Landmark Communications Course “Access to Power”. I distinguished what they call a “point of view”. A way of being that you create that’s your perspective of how things occur. I realized at a young age I made up “I’m too much, and not enough”. I’m not good enough.
When I was little my family would call me cockamamie Amy. I was loud, energetic, funny and quick witted. (Ed note: my pediatrician gave me the nickname yet my family kept it alive). The nickname irritated me. Although I wasn’t sure what it meant, it made me feel that I was doing something wrong…. but I was receiving attention, so I did nothing.
Anyway, I was resilient and up for anything. I was a social kid.
In my mind I was like this till I was 7/8 years old; as I was teased and laughed by other kids for being me. I felt alone. The details are fuzzy though I remember the feelings in situations. The sweaty palms and rapid heart rate. The sick feeling I got in my stomach and my headaches. My trips to the nurses office. Not fitting in.
“I’m too much”: too loud, too happy, too self-expressed, too much work, too demanding. I was over the top.
“I’m not enough”: because of my behavior, I wasn’t enough for friends to stay my friends. I wasn’t invited to many after school events. I thought if I changed how I was acting I’ll be liked. I’d be accepted and loved and not drive people away.
I remember becoming quiet in school. In class, I didn’t want anyone to call on me. When I was called on, I felt everyone’s eye on me and it was so much pressure. My temperature rose. I didn’t want to give the wrong answer and be made fun of. I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to be popular. At times I became a doormat, and did not stick up for myself (and I was the last to realize my behavior). At times, I didn’t recognize the amazing friends I already had.
I was a social kid, and I learned to turn myself on and off. To be a chameleon depending who I was hanging out with. But deep inside I was hurting and hiding.
I turned to organizing to still my racing mind and cope with my anxiety and stress. Order created a structure for me to follow. I reverted inward and lived inside my head with voices dictating my thoughts and actions. Double-guessing all my moves. Only showing part of myself at a time. At home was another story. I was that loud boisterous child. They saw my true colors all out. And I wasn’t always nice to them as they were the closest to me. Testing their unconditional love. Yes, there were people who saw all of me and I thank them for being by my side. (especially Jane KaraSarah)
I lived this way of hiding my true self for many years. I am now fully aware that I am not my “point of view”. I am not the girl who hides and wants to be like everyone else. I am a confident woman who has amazing talents to share with others. My heart sings and my smile widens when I talk with people. How can I help, what do you need.
I love my full expressive self.